BDSM dating can be confusing for beginners; how can you tell what’s best for you, what sites are reputable sources of information, how far is too far? There can be a lot of questions and not a lot of answers out there. We have compiled the top sites for you. Check Dating Site Reviews – Find The Best BDSM Sites Available, based on the reviews, you can make a choice. You should be wary, as well, that sometimes those answers are just not true. A new trend in the BDSM world is forming and it’s horrifying. Yes, BDSM participants like to play with pain, humiliation, and punishment, but that doesn’t mean they like to be abused. Recently, with the surging popularity of BDSM dating sites, predators have found a whole new pool of victims and they are doing their best to cause as much damage as possible.
This certainly isn’t a new idea. Cruel men and women have been preying on beginner submissives in BDSM communities for a long time. It used to be, however, that if anyone in the community heard about it, they had some power over putting an end to it. Communities we tight knit and small, and didn’t put up with abusers in their ranks. If they heard that one of their own was preying upon uneducated fresh meat they went wild. Not only is it appalling to victimize someone (without their permission) but they were doing more than that. There were breaking the trust of the community, the safety of the community, and helping to add to the bad rep BDSM already has.
With the advent of the datingsite (and BDSM lovers, not to be bested, jumped right onto that train) these predators have found it easier than ever to lure unsuspecting, nervous victims into their clutches. Does this mean that BDSM dating sites are dangerous and should be avoided? Of course not, but it does mean that you have to be on the lookout for warning signs that the person you’re talking with does not have your best interests at heart.
Is Your Dominant Good For You?
What are the warning signs? Some huge red flags can fly up right from the start. When you’re reviewing someone’s profile, you want to really look at what they’re saying. If they spend the entire body of their page talking in a derogatory manner about their partners, either past or present, you should move on. The BDSM bond is one built out of mutual respect and trust and a good Dom or Domme is not going to belittle their partner outside of their scenes, especially not if they haven’t established that as a fetish to be added to their bag of tricks. You should also be wary of Doms who are only interested in beginners. Are there some tops that get off on teaching a new person their limits and guiding them through the first part of their journey? Yes, of course, being the provider of knowledge is a huge amount of power and control, why do you think there are so fantasies where a teacher abuses their power over a student? But, along with the teachers, there are some folks that are simply looking for inexperience as a means to take advantage of someone.
There seems to be this belief that submissives like being told what to do and that’s what turns them on. While that’s not necessarily untrue, it’s also not what being a sub is about. Submitting is about so much more than following orders. There is something inside a sub that makes them long for punishment or humiliation. Something in them likes to feel like they are not in control of their lives, but that can be severely limited by other aspects of their sexuality. Some subs, for example, do not like to feel sexually powerless, while others do. Some subs do not like to be ordered around, they like to be talked down to and humiliated, while others are exactly the opposite.
The problem with the basic perception of subs is that the men or women preying on them don’t see it as predatory behavior. They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. To them, ordering a sub to perform sexual acts is fine because subs like being bossed around. The problem here is that they are taking advantage. There is no bond being built and there is certainly no trust to be established if one person is taking advantage of a situation with no concern for the other person. Too often, in situations like this, if the sub voices her concern or discomfort, as she should be comfortable doing, it can lead to violence or even rape.
When an outsider abuses the naivety of someone new to the community, it is devastating. Not only may that person never again try to experience something that could have been so liberating for them, they may spread the fear that’s already rampant in mainstream culture of the BDSM lifestyle. In cases of rape, the effects of that one night can take away part of that person’s very being. It is sickening to think of anyone taking advantage of someone in that way. It’s worse to think that the victim was so trusting and was trying something that was quite possibly scary for them in order to find more satisfaction in their own life.
When our communities were smaller and tighter, there was a little more ability to protect those new to the life. There were ways of punishing the abuser and make sure that their face and name were plastered all around with warnings to stay away. We could take the new subs and Doms under our wings and teach them the ways of the BDSM world. With the Internet, our communities, if they exist at all, are pale specters of what they once were. There maybe be a group that is spread over a large part of the country or even the world. There are also less immediate ways to chastise a person for their misconduct.
Regardless of the difficulties, it is our job as a community to look out for one another. If you notice a profile that, when reviewed, seems sketchy, speak up. Most sites, whether they’re forums, dating sites, or chat rooms, have some kind of monitoring system. Let someone know that you suspect something is off with that individual and keep your eyes peeled for proof. If you hear of or, god forbid, experience an act of abuse, report it. Do not let the unspoken stories of pain and suffering build up or stay hidden. If you see someone who you think might be abusing their power, try to educate them. They could be one of the fools who simply don’t understand the lifestyle or what it means to be a part of it. If that’s the case and you can show them the error of their ways, you may save someone from being unintentionally abused by them. Either way, we have to protect our communities, no matter how small or big they are. Our lifestyle is precious to us; that’s why we sought it out and why we stick with it. Don’t let the cruel or uneducated ruin it for you or anyone you know. Don’t let them take away the satisfaction that someone else is seeking in their life. Our world is worth fighting for, let’s take it back.